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Steven Covey had the right idea.
There are discreet skills and attitudes, habits if you will, that can
elevate your conflict practice to a new level. This article shares a
selection of habits and attitudes that can transform a good conflict
resolver into a highly effective one. By that I mean someone who facilitates
productive, meaningful discussion between others that results in deeper
self-awareness, mutual understanding and workable solutions.
I have used the term 'conflict resolver' intentionally to reinforce the idea
that human resource professionals and managers are instrumental in ending
disputes, regardless of whether they are also mediators. These conflict
management techniques are life skills that are useful in whatever setting
you find yourself. With these skills, you can create environments that are
respectful, collaborative and conducive to problem-solving. And, you'll
teach your employees to be proactive, by modeling successful conflict
management behaviors. .
1.UNDERSTAND THE EMPLOYEE'S NEEDS
Since you're the 'go to person' in your organization, it's natural for you
to jump right in to handle conflict. When an employee visits you to discuss
a personality conflict, you assess a situation, determine the next steps and
proceed until the problem is solved. But is that helpful?
When you take charge, the employee is relieved of his or her responsibility
to find a solution. That leaves you to do the work around finding
alternatives. And while you want to do what's best for this person (and the
organization), it's important to ask what the employee wants first-- whether
it's to vent, brainstorm solutions or get some coaching. Understand what the
person entering your door wants by asking questions:
•How can I be most helpful to you? •What are you hoping I will do? •What do
you see my role as in this matter?
2.ENGAGE IN COLLABORATIVE LISTENING
By now everyone has taken at least one active listening course so I won't
address the basic skills. Collaborative Listening takes those attending and
discerning skills one step further. It recognizes that in listening each
person has a job that supports the work of the other. The speaker's job is
to clearly express his or her thoughts, feelings and goals. The listener's
job is facilitating clarity; understanding and make the employee feel heard.
So what's the difference? The distinction is acknowledgement. Your role is
to help the employee gain a deeper understanding of her own interests and
needs; to define concepts and words in a way that expresses her values (i.e.
respect means something different to each one of us); and to make her feel
acknowledged--someone sees things from her point of view.
Making an acknowledgement is tricky in corporate settings. Understandably,
you want to help the employee but are mindful of the issues of corporate
liability. You can acknowledge the employee even while safeguarding your
company.
Simply put, acknowledgement does not mean agreement. It means letting the
employee know that you can see how he got to his truth. It doesn't mean
taking sides with the employee or abandoning your corporate
responsibilities. Acknowledgement can be the bridge across misperceptions.
Engage in Collaborative Listening by:
•Help the employee to explore and be clear about his interests and goals
•Acknowledge her perspective
I can see how you might see it that way. That must be difficult for you. oI
understand that you feel _______ about this.
•Ask questions that probe for deeper understanding on both your parts: When
you said x, what did you mean by that? If y happens, what's significant
about that for you? What am I missing in understanding this from your
perspective?
3.BE A GOOD TRANSMITTER
Messages transmitted from one person to the next are very powerful.
Sometimes people have to hear it 'from the horse's mouth'. Other times,
you'll have to be the transmitter of good thoughts and feelings. Pick up
those 'gems', those positive messages that flow when employees feel safe and
heard in mediation, and present them to the other employee. Your progress
will improve.
We're all human. You know how easy it is to hold a grudge, or assign blame.
Sharing gems appropriately can help each employee begin to shift their
perceptions of the situation, and more importantly, of each other. To
deliver polished gems, try to:
•Act soon after hearing the gem •Paraphrase accurately so the words aren't
distorted •Ask the listener if this is new information and if changes her
stance •Avoid expecting the employees to visibly demonstrate a 'shift in
stance' (it happens internally and on their timetable, not ours)
4.RECOGNIZE POWER
Power is a dominant factor in mediation that raises many questions: What is
it? Who has it? How to do you balance power? Assumptions about who is the
'powerful one' are easy to make and sometimes wrong. Skillful conflict
resolvers recognize power dynamics in conflicts and are mindful about how to
authentically manage them. You can recognize power by being aware that:
•Power is fluid and exchangeable •Employees possess power over the content
and their process (think of employees concerns as the water flowing into and
being held by the container) •Resolvers possess power over the mediation
process ( their knowledge, wisdom, experience, and commitment form the
container) •Your roles as an HR professional and resolver will have a
significant impact on power dynamics
5.BE OPTIMISTIC & RESILIENT
Agreeing to participate in mediation is an act of courage and hope. By
participating, employees are conveying their belief in value of the
relationship. They are also expressing their trust in you to be responsive
to and supportive of our efforts. Employees may first communicate their
anger, frustration, suffering, righteousness, regret, not their best hopes.
You can inspire them to continue by being optimistic:
•Be positive about your experiences with mediation •Hold their best wishes
and hopes for the future •Encourage them to work towards their hopes
Be Resilient. Remember the last time you were stuck in a conflict? You
probably replayed the conversation in your mind over and over, thinking
about different endings and scolding yourself. Employees get stuck, too. In
fact, employees can become so worn down and apathetic about their conflict,
especially a long-standing dispute; they'd do anything to end it. Yes, even
agree with each other prematurely. Don't let them settle. Mediation is about
each employee getting their interest met. Be resilient:
•Be prepared to move yourself and the employees though productive and less
productive cycles of the mediation •Help the employees see their movement
and progress •Be mindful and appreciative of the hard work you all are doing
Hopefully, you've discovered that these are your own habits in one form or
another and that your organization is benefiting from your knowledge. You
can learn more about workplace mediation and mediation in general from these
books and websites:
The Power of Mediation Bringing Peace into the Room Difficult Conversation:
How to Say What Matters Most www.ne-acr.org (The New England Association of
Conflict Resolvers) www.mediate.com (mediation portal site)
www.workwelltogether.com (conflict management toolkit)
"Mediation is based on a belief in the fundamental honesty of human beings.
Which is another way of saying we all want to be treated justly - that is
according to our unique situation and viewpoint on the world. And we cannot
expect to be treated justly if we do not honestly reveal ourselves." ~ the
Honourable Neville Chamberlain, British Prime Minister 1937
About the Author
Dina Beach Lynch, Esq. is a mediator and conflict coach who launched
WorkWellTogether.com Formerly
Dina was Ombuds for Fleet Bank where she assisted 48,000 employees to
resolve work tensions. Dina can be reached at Dina@workwelltogether.com
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